Looking back after coming out

Lots of people say that being gay is a choice, well its not. It's no more of a choice than it's a choice to be straight. I made a choice 30 years ago to be straight and in making that choice, I ruined my life, the life of my ex wife, my kids, my family and friends. As I stated in an earlier post I was born and raised in a small cow town in Oregon. My parents were hard working people and instilled that value in my sisters and myself. My dad was and continues to be a rancher/cowboy, and my mom was a stay at home mom. When I finally came out about 5 years ago, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I had spent 40 years being straight, but it was all a lie. As I started to look back on my life I could see that I was gay long before I even knew what the word meant, aside from the 2nd definition.

gay adj

1.

a. homosexual

b. (as noun) a group of gays

2.

a. carefree and merry a gay temperament

b. brightly coloured; brilliant a gay hat

c. given to pleasure, esp in social entertainment a gay life

They say childhood is an innocent time, and that once we start becoming self aware is when we start to mature, and take on the characharistics we see and how we want people to see us as, and for me that is defiantly true. When I took the time to reflect on who I was and how I got there I could see that I had been gay as far back as I could remember.

I used to spend allot of time with my grandma, and she belonged to a local group called "Garden Club" It was primarily a group of older women who got together a couple of times a month I think had a meeting, did some artsy crafty things, and had a show and sale around Christmas time. this is one of my first memories, and I think this started before I started school, I wasn't so much into hanging with the older women, but I did like hanging out with a girl my age who also spent allot of time with her grandma there, we would hang out and explore, I don't remember what else, but I remember she was a best friend at the time up through high school, never in a romantic kind of way, more of just a confidant.

Later once I got into grade school I had a friend who was a couple of years older, he lived several miles away and outside of school we didn't see much of each other. One day I asked him if he could spend the night, and he asked his parents and they said yes, but I forgot to ask mine. He went ahead and came with me, my mom was very gracious and said no problem, but told me the next time I had to ask first. Several weeks later again I wanted him to spend the night, and again I forgot to ask my mom. I knew I would get in trouble that time if he came home with me. He got off the bus and it left before I had a chance to tell him it wasn't OK that he spent the night, so when I did. he left his change of clothes hidden in the bushes at the end of our driveway, and walked home. That change of clothes consisted of a couple pairs of underwear, socks, and shirts. Almost every day for the next couple of years when I would get off the bus I would go over there and pull out his underwear, I would get a hard on, certainly at the time I had no idea what it was, but it felt kind of good. I remember being really upset when my dad was burning ditches several years later, and they got burned up.

One of my other friends Tommy, we would hang around school together, with our arms around each other, and then when he spent the night, I would always look forward to taking a bath with him, we would play with our dicks and have allot of fun., at the same time most of my other friends were girls, I liked playing jump rope, hopscotch, 4 square. I never really liked playing with the boys, because they wanted to play football, baseball, basketball, dodge ball. The only time I ever tried playing basket ball, was in 4th grade, I joined the JV basketball team (our school was so small everyone that wanted to join made the team), I joined not because it was something I wanted to do, but I thought my dad would like it (he was quite a jock in school), I was terrible at basketball, and did my best to not get the ball, but the locker room was awesome, all the naked boys, mostly the older boys. That was the only thing that made basketball worthwhile, so I decided I would go out the next year, but when the next year finally came around I found out I could be a manager, which consisted of doing the books, keeping the balls, and as a bonus I could still go in the locker room with naked boys. That is how i spent the remainder of my grade school years sports career.

Then in junior high when the other boys started getting interested in the girls, I wanted to hang out with the boys, I "went out" with a girl in 8th grade when I was told by a class mate that Martha really liked me, this lasted for about a week, because I wouldn't walk her to class, and kiss and hold hands...yuck. Then in High School I had a girl in one of my classes that I really liked, and again trying to fit in, I asked her to "go with me" she accepted, and took my ring. I tried to ask her to lunch with me, hold her hand and walk her to class. That lasted for about a week and she broke up with me, because I was "too fast" LOL.

The rest of my freshman year I dated an older girl, a Junior. She wasn't actually pretty, or attractive in any shape or form, she was nice, but somewhat over weight. I went out with her for 2 reasons and that was 1. she had been molested by her father when she was younger, and I thought I could get some, and 2. it was a good cover for how I really felt, and my attraction for guys. We continued going out through my sophomore year and her senior year, and I think we had 3 dates, Christmas formal, Junior/Senior prom, and dinner at her house. Whats funny, is in the two years we went out, I never got laid, not because I don't think she would have put out, but because i really didn't know how to approach it, and really I was a nice guy, and I really wasn't into her sexually. After we broke up towards the end of my sophomore year, she cried and kept trying to get me to come back.....just not into it.

Then through my junior and senior years, i pretty much just hung out with the guys, had lots of friends that were girls, all of whom are still good friends, and met a friend that I ended up having sex with (that's another story) and then just before the end of school, my first High School girlfriend, asked me to the Junior/Senior prom I liked her and we went and had a good time. She thought there was more there than I did, (I thought I was just the only date she could get, she was in the popular crowd, I was in the Geek crowd) I continued to be a flirt/player, then one of her friends told me she really liked me, so I asked her to go with me she accepted, and we continued to date through college, although she was 13 hours away. In that 4 years, we never kissed, or had sex, we were just really good friends. During those 4 years I continued having sex with my best friend, almost up to when she and I got married.

Starting to Feel Comfortable With Who I Am

Well, its been 50 years, and for the past 5 years I've been open about who I am and no longer living in a lie. I was born and raised in a small rural town, actually it was a farming and ranching community in Oregon. I was raised on the family cattle ranch, I grew up riding horses, fixing fence, working cattle, hunting, hiking, camping, working on the farm equipment, driving trucks, and riding motorcycles. I was the normal all American boy. Except I had a secret, a secret that lasted for four and a half decades, ruined my marriage, and contributed to the estrangement of my kids and I.

I started the coming out process about 5 years ago, after meeting someone I thought I could spend my life with, that didn't work out, but it worked out for the best, as I ended up meeting the love of my life. But what it did was cause me to become more comfortable in my own skin, and with that came the piece and contentment of no longer having to lie about who I am.

I met CJ online, just as I had done countless times, but this one started out a little differently than the others, while chatting I happened to mention that I was heading home for some reason or other to Oregon. He then proceeded to say a line that I had said numerous times said oh yeah, I grew up in a little town in Oregon you probably never heard of Powell Butte......I thought, did I just type that? NO, he typed it. He had grown up in the same community I grew up in Knew allot of the people I knew, although he was about 10 years younger than I was, I'm sure I had met him over the course of living there, I certainly remember a friends younger brother mentioning him, talk about an odd feeling.

We ended up meeting, and eventually being in a relationship for about a year, but during that year I learned allot about myself, and with his encouragement, began my coming out process. He, like I was raised in the same farming community, and both grew up doing about the same things......just being boys. He on the other hand realized he was gay shortly after moving out on his own, in his own words it was easier telling his parents he was gay than telling them he was a vegetarian. His dad was still a cowboy in eastern Oregon, and as a side note Ironically, knew allot of my ex wife's family. So he had been out most of his adult life, when I first stayed with him, his house was unavailable, so we stayed at his brothers house. His brother was married, with wife, and kids. I was a little apprehensive meeting them, and when came time to go to bed, I was more than a little hesitant, but his brother and family was totally cool with he and I. That is where my coming out really began.

Over the course of the next year, I told my middle sister who was also gay. I then told my other sister and her husband, who at the time was in the military, to say the least, I was a little concerned about their reaction. I was kind of forced into this announcement, by CJ in that I was going to my sisters to do some work and he wanted to come along, how to you explain bringing a "friend" to your sisters, and oh were going to sleep in the same bed? So I went to my sisters without him, which started a fight, I was determined to tell them, so that wouldnt happen again. To start this conversation, while my brotherinlaw was at work, I told my sister i needed to talk to the two of them when it was convenient. She looked kind of worried about what I needed to talk to them about, I figured probably they at least had an idea about me, but I was concerned she might think it was more serious, like I had HIV or something, so I told her it was nothing serious. Later that night I told them, and again It was no big deal. With those responses, I felt empowered to let other friends and family know. All the responses were great. These responses came from family, friends, and co-workers. Several of my close friends were and are Christian, when it came time to tell them I was very concerned about how they would take it, but again they were very loving and supportive, the way "Christians" aught to be, caring and non-judgemental.

I've been out now about 5 years now. I'm not out in the fact that I flaunt that I'm gay, because that's not me. If someone asks I tell them. If not, its none of their business. I don't show my sexuality out in public. I don't hold my Partners hand when were out, nor do I kiss him when were in public. It's not because, I'm uncomfortable with who I am, it's because I'm uncomfortable with seeing anyone doing that in public, straight or gay. I'm still the guy I have been my entire life, a masculine guy that loves the out doors. I love trucks, motorcycles, jet skis, and horses. If you met me on the street or anyplace else you wouldn't have a clue. the same goes for my partner, hes masculine, loves the out doors, horses, rancher. He can rope a cow, train a horse, and fix a truck, all around work,and his full time job is a gold miner. Were not the "stereotypical" gay men, but there are more gay men like us than most people would think.